Hell or High Water
by Acrs-the-unvs
Summary: Takes place around season 4. Meredith and Derek are done, but once Meredith sees Derek with Rose she wants him back. Is it just because he has a new woman or is Meredith finally ready to admit that she wants everything with him?
1. Prologue

**A/N Well this is my first Grey's fanfic I've written so forgive me if it's not perfect. But hey, no one's perfect right? I wrote this story on and off for a few years. I obviously started it during season four, when this story takes place. It takes place when Derek begins seeing Rose. This is my take on what should have happened. Well, at the time anyways. I was a crazed Mer/Der fan and now I'm actually a big Addek fan (even though Addison isn't even on Grey's anymore..) but I threw her in this a little. Anyways, I'm rambling. Just read. =]**

**PS I own nothing.**

_Hell or High Water_

_You believe that a true love is blind so you fool every new love you find. You've got stars in your eyes but they can't hide the lies. Oh, I can't get you off my mind._

**P R O L O G U E**

"I just stood there like an idiot," Meredith said quietly with a laugh. "He said things to me. Wonderful things. Telling me how he wanted to live to be a hundred and die in my arms. And I just stood there like an idiot."

Cristina grabbed the glass of rum and coke and pulled it to her lips, taking a sip. "And what did you want to say? That you wanted those things too? Come on, Meredith. We all know you don't."

Meredith shrugged slightly. "Maybe I do. I don't know anymore." She sighed heavily. "But it doesn't matter. Because he doesn't want me. He wants Rose."

A sour expression twisted on Cristina's face. "Rose. What the hell kind of name is that anyways? What's with naming kids after things? I mean like there's Rose, Daisy, April, May…"

"There was Wednesday from the Adams Family," Meredith added. "If we're going with the themes of days and months."

"Brandy," Izzie put in, grabbing a bar stool and pulling it between the two newly appointed residents.

Cristina pointed her finger at Izzie. "That's a good one."

"No," Izzie declined and rested her elbows on the bar looking around. "I want a brandy. Where's Joe?"

"He was here…" Meredith trailed off, joining Izzie in looking around for Joe. "Maybe he had to pee. Anyways, can we get back to my problem?"

From behind them, the girls heard a groan. "You women and your problems. All you ever do is bitch and moan. Can't you for once just be happy?"

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Alex, shut up. You wouldn't understand. You don't have a soul."

Alex took a step back, pretending to be offended. "Ouch. Hey, at least I wasn't the one who slept with my best friend who was married."

"Oh my God, he's here." Meredith stated loudly and everyone looked at her.

"Who, George?" Izzie said, looking around and completely ignoring the fact that Alex had insulted her.

"No," Meredith replied and glared over Alex's head. "Derek. With his Ms. Perfect New Girlfriend. Or whatever the hell she is. I don't even know if they're dating or it was just a one time kiss thing."

Alex rolled his eyes, taking a seat next to Meredith. "Can we for once not talk about McSteamy? You need to find someone else to whine about. It's really getting old."

"McDreamy," Cristina corrected him. "And ya know what, I think Alex is right. For once. You really do need to find somebody else, Mer."

Meredith placed her elbow on the counter and her hand to her cheek, cradling her head. She looked over to Derek, who was now laughing with his stupid nurse girlfriend, or whatever the hell she was.

Alex and Cristina's words bounced off the walls in her head as she toyed with them. Somebody else. Not Derek. No, she had to admit that it wasn't working well with Derek. But that was partially her fault too. She couldn't imagine herself with anybody else. But then again, could she even see herself with Derek?

She sighed again. He was her McDreamy. Her Derek.


	2. Chapter One

_Don't waste my time with your sweet talking lies. I've heard it all before. Did you think that you could have been my divine philosophy? Take a look. You're history in my eyes._

**C H A P T E R O N E**

Her pager had been going off all day, but she was only avoiding one call. Meredith didn't want to see him. She knew he would want some deep in-depth talk about why they couldn't be what they were anymore. They couldn't even have the sex and mockery. Frankly, Meredith didn't want to speak with Derek.

"I'll give you ten bucks," Cristina pleaded, following Izzie down the hall like a lost little puppy dog. "Okay fifteen. Twenty?"

Izzie rolled her eyes and spun around to face Cristina. "No, no, no. I said no! What part of 'no' don't you understand?"

Cristina looked up at the ceiling for a second in an attempt to think. "All of it?"

A groan escaped Izzie's mouth as she continued to make her way through the hallway with Cristina on her heels.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked the two of them, finally catching up to Izzie and Cristina.

"Appendectomy," Cristina explained, needing no other words than that. "Izzie has it. I want it. And she's scrubbed in on _three _surgeries already today! I've been stuck in the clinic!"

Meredith continued to listen to the two girls bicker about surgeries and favorites while she blindly followed them, not really hearing what they were talking about. It was always the same old thing with those two. Sometimes the roles would be reversed.

"Don't you two have anything better to talk about?" Meredith finally snapped and Izzie and Cristina turned their heads towards her. "I mean, seriously. Cristina, you got to scrub in on a heart transplant yesterday. Stop bitching."

The two residents just looked at Meredith as if they saw a pig fly out of her nose. Meredith was usually the one bitching about never getting any surgeries.

"Did you really just say that?" Izzie replied with an attitude. "Look, I know you're all hopeless and alone now that McDreamy picked McNurse over you."

Meredith stopped dead in her tracks and looked at Izzie, holding her hand up to her. "Hold on. First of all, I'm not hopeless and alone, thank you very much. Second of all, he did not _pick _her over me. If you remember, I was the one who dumped him. Remember?"

Izzie rolled her eyes and pushed past Meredith to keep walking. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I've got a surgery to do and you're in my way."

And with that, Izzie walked away, leaving Meredith and Cristina in her dust. Meredith turned to Cristina. "What the hell is her problem?"

Cristina gave her a blatant stare. "What the hell is your problem? You don't have to turn into McBitchy just because you're still in love with your ex-boyfriend who's going around kissing nurses."

Meredith put her hands on her hips and returned the harsh look to Cristina. "I am _not _still in love with Derek, okay? And I'm not McBitchy. I'm just in a bad mood. Sorry."

"Don't apologize to me," Cristina said and held her hands up to surrender. "Look, I've gotta go find Hahn. Maybe there's another heart surgery she'll let me scrub in on." Cristina turned to leave and looked back at Meredith as her voice got softer. "Just don't think about him, okay? Focus on work."

Meredith nodded back, trying to think about what Cristina said. She knew she shouldn't be thinking about her little love problems while she was at work. But somehow, she just couldn't help it. Why did damn Derek Shepherd always have to be on her mind? Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was still paging her constantly.

Before the thoughts of Derek even began to slip her mind, Meredith figured it was a good time for a cup of coffee. The evening was growing dark and she knew she'd be at work for at least another four hours. Yes, to Meredith, coffee sounded fabulous.

The steaming warm liquid hit the bottom of her mug and began to fill. Music to her ears. She smiled as she brought the cup up to her lips and took a sip. Still too hot. She attempted to set it down, but was interrupted by a bump on her shoulder and her coffee mug flying, landing coffee all over her scrubs.

"Oh my gosh!" A voice said next to her. "I'm _so _sorry! I'm such an idiot!"

Meredith grabbed napkins, which were thankfully placed in front of her, and began to dab her shirt. "It's okay. Trust me; it's happened to me multiple times."

She took a break from wiping herself clean to look at the destructive scrub ruiner. All of a sudden, she wished she hadn't accepted the woman's apology.

"Do you need any help?" Rose asked Meredith, motioning her head towards her now brown scrubs. Meredith, as calmly as she could, set down the napkin on the coffee that was still strewn all over the counter.

"Uh," Meredith sputtered out. "Actually, I gotta go. Big surgery, you know how it is."

"Meredith," Rose called after her, but Meredith didn't turn back. She kept going until she found herself face to face with the locker room. Her shaking hands closed the door behind her and she rummaged around for a new pair of scrubs in her locker. Not that she was even concerned at all about the big stain. She just needed a distraction.

Meredith found no hope in her locker and began to search through Cristina's. She wouldn't mind, right? Oh what did she know; Cristina didn't care a thing about messes.

Taking her shirt off quickly, Meredith realized she was out of breath. It couldn't have been from the running. She didn't even have that far to go.

She finally found one of Cristina's shirts and grabbed it from the mess that was Cristina's locker. The mirror in the locker reflected Meredith's face and she looked into it. Had she always been this much of a mess? Her hair was straggly, she had no makeup on and her face was pale. Meredith closed her eyes tightly. She couldn't have this right now.

The door to the locker room creaked open and Meredith remembered that she was still in her bra.

"I've been paging you all day."

If Meredith's face wasn't pale before, it certainly was now. Meredith closed the locker door and spun around to face away from Derek before he could see her.

Derek laughed lightly. "You know I've seen you in less than that."

Meredith quickly threw Cristina's shirt on and turned back around, anger filling her eyes. "Don't do this."

"Do what?" Derek asked innocently and walked towards here.

"This," Meredith responded and pointed a finger at him. "Your cute little comments. You can't just come in here and be all McDreamy on me."

"Meredith."

"And you're paging me!" Meredith burst out, not letting Derek finish. She knew if she let him talk, she would fall victim to his ways again, something Meredith was pretty certain she didn't want. "Stop paging me. I don't want to talk to you! Just leave me alone!"

"Meredith!"

By then, Meredith wasn't sure what else to say. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him. Oh no. Her eyes met his dreamy eyes. And his hair. She just wanted to run her hands through it. She couldn't dare even look at his lips, the ones she'd kissed so many times before.

"What do you want, Derek?" Meredith's voice softened and grew tired.

Derek grinned again slightly. "I have a surgery tomorrow. And I was just wondering if you'd accompany me. But I guess if I'm being too 'McDreamy' for you, then I'll just ask Alex. He's been bugging me about it all day."

And with that, Derek walked out of the locker room, leaving Meredith dumbfounded. She couldn't believe how egotistical she had been. She actually thought he had wanted to have a talk with her when all he wanted was to do his job. Meredith should have listened to Cristina when she told her just to focus on her own job.

Meredith sunk into the floor in the locker room and rested her head on her knees. She wasn't quite sure what was happening to her. All she knew was, as soon as work was over, she was definitely going to Joe's to forget about Derek.

Even though she had only had two tequila shots, Meredith began to feel the effects kicking in and she calmed down a little. She looked around the room and realized she didn't know anyone there. She debated finding some random guy, getting drunk and screwing him. But then again, what would that solve? Probably nothing, but it would be fun. Of course, she would probably end up crying halfway through it.

Meredith sighed heavily and looked around for Joe. "Can I have another shot?" Meredith's voice was gentle yet slightly whiney.

"Anything for you, my dear."

She smiled as she pressed the poison to her lips, drinking it down and hoping to lose touch with the world soon enough.

"Mer."

Meredith heard her name being called and turned around to find her gaggle of friends walking in. Cristina, Izzie, George, Alex and Lexie all took seats around the bar and crowded Meredith. Great. Lexie. Just what Meredith needed to brighten her day. Sarcasm filled Meredith's head.

"Hey guys," Meredith said unenthusiastically and motioned to Joe for another shot.

Izzie put her elbow on the bar and stared straight at Meredith. "Oh look. If it isn't Mc-Bitch-All-Her-Friends-Out-For-Completely-Nothing."

Meredith twisted her mouth into a wry frown. "Sorry, Iz. It was one of those days."

"Whatever," Izzie replied. "Just make it up to me by buying the first round, okay?"

"Can I get in on this action?"

Meredith turned around to find Mark Sloan standing before her. This was all too much to handle. Meredith dug out her wallet from her purse and handed it to Cristina. "Drinks are on me. Buy whatever the hell you want. I'm going out for some air."

Cristina grabbed her arms. "You want me to come?"

Meredith shrugged. "Nah. I'm a big girl. I need to start acting like one."

The ground hit her feet hard as the barstool was a little higher up than Meredith had expected. She made her way to the outside to find that it was raining. Now was probably a good time to pick up smoking. Oh, how she would love to just stand in the rain and smoke a cigarette. Although she had never smoked one in her life, she just figured it would fit the image of a girl standing outside the bar in the rain. Why else would anybody be outside? Unless they were going crazy.

"Are you stalking me?"

Meredith turned her head slowly. "You've gotta be kidding me."

Derek and Rose stood before her. And oh no. They were holding hands.

"What are you doing out here by yourself?" Derek asked her, tilting his head and smiling a little. He still had the McDreamy smile on, Meredith noticed.

She stared at him, trying to think of exactly what to say to him. Bitch him out? Cry? Tell Rose to go to hell for staining her scrubs? Or maybe for stealing her boyfriend. But no. Meredith just stood there. Staring.

Derek turned to Rose and whispered quietly, "Why don't you go inside and grab a table? I'll be in in a sec."

Rose gave Derek a soft peck on the cheek and proceeded inside. Oh yeah. They were definitely dating.

"Meredith, what's going on with you?" Derek asked in a concerned voice.

Her eyes touched the ground and she refused to look at him. "Nothing is going on. I'm out here by myself because I was just getting warm okay? It's no big deal."

"You were the one that said it was over," Derek informed her, completely ignoring her lie about being warm. "You did. I told you I wanted everything with you. And now you're sulking because I have a girlfriend."

His voice wasn't snappy. It wasn't rude or condescending. It was more hurt by the fact that he just couldn't win with her.

Meredith looked up at him finally. "I'm not sulking." She whispered, but they both knew that wasn't true as her voice shook. "I'm thinking." Her voice took a turn for anger. "I can't think at work because I'm always busy. I can't think here because there's too much noise. I can't think at home because everyone's always bothering me. I just wanted a minute alone and you can't even give me that. You come out here, accusing me of all of this stuff when all I want to do is sit out here and think. Can't you just leave me alone?"

Derek only shook his head and walked back inside. Meredith stared out as the cars streamed by, letting droplets of water fall on her head. She debated going home but she decided to drink more. She knew she'd have to face the couple in there, but she had her friends to surround her. If she didn't have her McDreamy, at least she had that.


	3. Chapter Two

_And I wish for you joy and happiness. But above all this, I wish for you love._

**C H A P T E R T W O**

There were three things in life that Meredith Grey was always sure of. One: the sun rose and set every day like clockwork. Two: medicine and science are always right. And three: tomorrow was another day.

Meredith put the day before behind her and woke up, attempting to paste a smile on her face. She had bought brand new scrubs and was excited to wear them today. They were pink. Salmon to be exact. Meredith wasn't exactly sure what had possessed her to buy the same color scrubs worn by her ex-boyfriend's ex-wife. But for some reason, wearing them made her feel bright and shiny again.

"What's with the scrubs?" Was the first thing Cristina said to her once she took a look at Meredith.

Meredith let out a breath and smiled. "I'm trying something new. Not being upset over Shepherd."

Cristina nodded slowly, taking a bite of her yogurt. "Okay…what's with the scrubs?"

"I just wanted a change, okay?"

Izzie and Alex took seats next to Meredith and Cristina in the Seattle Grace Hospital cafeteria.

"Why are you wearing pink scrubs?" Izzie asked immediately.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "First of all, they're salmon. Second of all, I needed new scrubs and I just wanted something different."

"But they're pink," Alex commented, hiding a laugh under his breath.

Meredith stood up. "Salmon. They're salmon."

And with that, she walked away, throwing her half eaten cereal bar in the trash. She knew she could probably find her interns and give them some direction as to what to do today. But somehow, she just didn't care. They could figure it out themselves. They were smart. Well, maybe not smart. They had brains.

Meredith decided to take Cristina's advice and just focus on work for now. She made her way to the OR board to see what surgeries were lined up for the day. Corroded artery, ruptured spleen, nose job? Wow, the board looked dead today.

She looked over and noticed Derek walking her way. Taking a deep breath, Meredith reminded herself that today was a new day and she was wearing salmon scrubs.

Derek stood beside Meredith and looked up at the board, saying nothing to her.

"Sorry about last night," she finally got out after figuring he wouldn't say anything to her. And after what she said to him last night, why would he?

He turned to look at her. "You mean about yelling at me? Or about being upsets that I have a girlfriend who's not you?"

Meredith opened her mouth to speak, but only a few sputters came out. "That's…that's not it. I'm not upset. Whatever. In fact, I'm happy for you."

Derek laughed lightly and stood back. "Oh, are you now?"

Meredith nodded her head. "That's right."

"So, why are you wearing Addison's scrubs?"

Meredith paused for a second. She wanted to explode about how his stupid new girlfriend spilled coffee on them. But now that wouldn't sound too happy for him and his girlfriend, would it?

"I needed a change," Meredith simply recited the phrase that she had been saying all morning. "My life is changing. I'm a resident now, you and I aren't together, and I just figured, why not get a new wardrobe to represent my new life?"

Derek gave Meredith a strange look and was about to say something, but his pager began beeping. "Sorry, I gotta take this." He said to her after looking at it. "Congratulations on your new life, Meredith."

"Congratulations on your new girlfriend," Meredith whispered sadly after Derek walked away, but he hadn't heard her.

After two pointless surgeries and an afternoon in the clinic, Meredith was finally let free from the hospital. It was only early evening and she wasn't sure whether or not to head to Joe's, or just go home. It was Friday night and she had the next day off, so her choice to go to Joe's overpowered the thought of going home and crawling in bed alone. Again.

"So, I was wondering if I could maybe buy you a drink," Mark said behind Meredith and he sat down beside her. "Oh, my mistake. I thought you were Addison."

Meredith made a face at him. "Ha, ha. Very funny. I will take you up on that drink offer, though."

Mark stretched his arms above his head and swizzled his chair to face Meredith. "Sorry. I only buy drinks for girls I know will put out tonight."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You're disgusting."

"That's what I pride myself on."

A small laugh escaped Meredith's mouth.

"So, where's the gang tonight?" Mark continued. "I mean, aren't you usually surrounded by your little intern friends?"

"We're residents now," Meredith corrected him. "Izzie and Alex are still at the hospital, George is hanging out with _his_ little intern friends, Cristina's on call and…uh…I don't really have any other friends."

Mark wrapped his arm around Meredith. "Well you can be my friend for the night."

Meredith couldn't help but roll her eyes once more. She took Mark's arm from around her and gave it back to him. "Only if I put out, right?"

"Nah," Mark said and put his hands back in his lap. "For free. Look, I'll even buy you a drink." Mark shot a glance at Joe, who was looking bored behind the bar. "Hey Joe! Can I get a scotch on the rocks with a lemon and, how bout just a glass of tequila?"

Meredith laughed as Joe poured her a nice amount of tequila in a regular sized glass.

"On me," Mark told her.

"Why are you suddenly being nice to me?" Meredith asked Mark. "I mean, usually with you it's snide comments and sex jokes."

Mark held up a hand. "Uh hello? Were you not here for the first half of our conversation?"

"True."

The two acquaintances were silent for a minute or two as they sipped on their drinks and took in the smoky bar atmosphere. Meredith looked around, halfway looking for Derek and halfway just checking out the scene. Not sure if it was good or bad, Meredith dismissed caring that Derek wasn't in her sight. Today was a brand new day and it was a day not to think about him.

"You're awfully quiet," Mark said to Meredith, interrupting her McDreamy thoughts. "Could you perhaps be thinking about a certain best friend of mine?"

Meredith shrugged casually and took another swig of her drink. "No, just thinking."

"Thinkin about how you wanna get out of here later with me, weren't ya?"

She gave Mark a stern look. "Mark Sloan. Drop the sexual hints. It's not happening. If you wanna have sex tonight, you might wanna buy somebody else a drink."

"Hey, I said I'd keep you company tonight," Mark reminded her. "I'm just tryin to make the most of it."

Meredith debated replying, but she figured there would be no point.

The door opened and Meredith instinctively looked up to see who it was. Sure enough, he walked in. Arm in arm with his new girlfriend, nonetheless. Meredith decided she wasn't even worthy of being called her name in her head. To Meredith, she would always be referred to as 'Derek's girlfriend' and never 'Rose.'

"Well, well, look who it is," Derek said as he and Rose joined Mark and Meredith at the bar. "My best friend and my…and Meredith."

"Shepherd," Mark said, giving Derek a slap of a high-five. "What's happenin?"

"Just stopping by for a few drinks. We're not staying long."

Mark nodded slowly, unsure of what really else to say. Derek looked around, a little unsure himself.

"Well," Derek finally said and looked at Rose. "I suppose we should get a table."

Rose nodded with a smile and the two walked away right after Derek gave a goodbye nod to Meredith and Mark.

Meredith turned back to Mark and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Why didn't you invite them to join us?"

"Do you really think you could handle that?" Mark asked her with a laugh, grabbing his drink from the bar and filling his mouth with the cool liquid, swallowing harshly. "Besides, no one wants to see that all night."

She looked over to see Derek and Rose touching lips and smiling as they did so. A shiver ran down Meredith's spine and she pushed back the tears she felt in her eyes. Not tonight. Not now.

By then, her drink looked more and more appealing and she forced her vomit down with the rest of her tequila. "Another one, Joe?" Meredith asked softly but loud enough for Joe to hear her.

"Atta girl," Mark encouraged her as she clasped on to her new drink and took a big gulp of it. She wiped her mouth with the back of her left hand, her right still clutching on to the glass for dear life. She casually glanced back over at Derek and his girlfriend and noted that they weren't kissing anymore. However, their hands were interlocked, resting on the table as they looked deep into each other's goggly eyes.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Meredith whispered sarcastically to Mark who laughed along with her.

Meredith quickly finished her second glass, and since each glass had around four shots of tequila in them, the drunkenness hit her hard. "Wow." Meredith whispered with a giggle. "I'm drunk."

Mark grinned as he finished his second drink as well. "Me too. You wanna get outta here yet?"

This time Meredith didn't return a snappy comment to him. She looked at Derek, who was whispering and giggling with his new girlfriend and Meredith looked back at Mark.

"Yeah," she said, standing up and she grabbed Mark's hand. "I do."


	4. Chapter Three

_I'll speak in riddles so you can understand. I'll draw in pencil so you can trace with pen. So in love with me like sand to wet feet. I'll write both our names into the wet concrete._

**C H A P T E R T H R E E**

The first thing Meredith noticed when she woke up was that she was naked. The second thing was that she wasn't alone. Shit. Of course, Meredith remembered everything that happened last night, up until passing out after the hot steamy sex with McSteamy. Why did that happen again? Oh yeah. She remembered.

"Morning, beautiful," Mark said slyly to her once he realized she was awake as well.

Meredith rolled her eyes and made a noise of disgust that exited from the back of her throat. She opened her eyes a little wider and realized that they were in her room. Oh no. People were home. "You have to leave."

"What?" Mark asked, sounding taken aback. "What are you talking about? We work together. Why can't we go to work together? Maybe find the on-call room. Pick up where we left off."

"I don't work today," Meredith informed him. "You have to leave." She repeated with precision.

She got up and began throwing her clothes on, while also covering herself up from Mark. Even though they had done the deed last night, that didn't mean he got a free show the next morning.

"Hey, hey, hey," Mark eased her and sat up. "Don't put your clothes on. Come on back to bed with me."

"Hey, Mer, are you going to the—" Izzie's voice said and the door opened. Izzie stopped abruptly and stared at the scene before her. "Oh God."

"Oh God," Meredith murmured repeating Izzie as Izzie quickly left the room. She turned to Mark. "You shouldn't be here. You need to go."

Mark laughed shortly. "You know she's gonna go downstairs and blab to all your little friends about this, right? So who cares if I stay a little while longer?"

Meredith growled in anger. "Fine. You stay. Stay as long as you'd like. Go downstairs and join Alex and Izzie for breakfast for all I care. I'm going to the hospital."

"I thought it was your day off!"

Meredith left her room, leaving the door wide open for everyone who wanted to see Mark Sloan naked. **(Author's note: I do!)**

"Late night last night?" Alex teased, popping a grape in his mouth. Meredith secretly laughed to herself, noting that Mark was right about Izzie coming downstairs and telling the world of her adventure. But on the outside, Meredith was far from laughing.

"Shut up, Alex," Meredith groaned and quickly walked out of the kitchen.

"So how's Mc-What's-His-Nickname in bed?" Alex shouted after her, but Meredith kept on moving. She knew she had to get out of her house before Mark came down and wanted to have a conversation with the household. If he did, at least she would be far away from it.

The hospital seemed like a pretty safe place to be after a night like that. Even though Meredith ran the risk of seeing Mark Sloan, she still opted to do something to get her mind off of her high school drama.

"Wait, wait, wait," Cristina said to Meredith, holding up both hands as the girls sat around the on-call room. "You actually slept with McSteamy?"

"Yes."

"You and McSteamy did the McNasty."

"Yes."

"And it was your idea?"

Meredith groaned a little. "Yes, Cristina! What is it that you're not getting?"

"Um, all of it?" Cristina replied with a little laugh. "It's just a little hard to believe with your freaking crush on Shepherd. I mean, I'd believe that Sloan would do it. Believe me. But you—"

"I got it, Cristina," Meredith replied and sighed a little. "I don't know why I did it, okay? I was drunk. He was there. And Derek was sitting over there with his stupid perfect freakin girlfriend. I just needed to get away from it all."

"Well did sleeping with Sloan help?"

Meredith sighed again and looked away. "I'm pretty sure it just made things worse."

Just then, the door swung open and Miranda Bailey stood in the doorway with an unhappy expression stretched across her face. "Why are two of my residents hanging out in the on-call room?"

Meredith stood up, her eyes challenging Dr. Bailey. "I'm not working today." She defended herself.

Dr. Bailey narrowed her eyes at Meredith. "Well you're here, aren't ya? Dr. Shepherd's looking for someone to assist him in a surgery."

"I'll do it," Cristina jumped up and looked at Bailey with pleading eyes, but Bailey shook her head no.

"No, Yang," Dr. Bailey replied. "I need you with your interns today. They're wandering around this hospital like lost little puppies. It's annoying. Now go find them and give them some direction."

Cristina sulked out of the room with her head hung low, closing the door behind her and giving Meredith one last sympathetic look – which was a lot, coming from Cristina Yang.

"Dr. Bailey –"

"Grey, I don't wanna hear it," Dr. Bailey interrupted her. "I really don't care what kind of sorry ass excuse you have for not going to help Shepherd on his surgery. Call me insensitive for not caring about your little love life problems, but you're a doctor. Start acting like one."

And without another word, Dr. Bailey left Meredith alone in the on-call room. Her eyes drifted to the floor as she thought to herself how it would have been so much easier if she would have just stayed home with Mark Sloan. Now that was a hell of a thought.

Meredith dragged her feet to the OR board to find out which room Derek was in. OR three. She folded her arms over her chest and slowly collected herself. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the doors and let herself in.

"Dr. Grey," Derek Shepherd greeted her quietly and refused to meet her eyes.

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith replied, returning the professional yet cold tone of voice.

The rest of the surgery went pretty much like that, more or less. Meredith assisted Derek with the tools that he needed and he thanked her with an insincere response. Three hours later when the surgery was finished, Derek left the room with only three words.

"Time of death: 15:18."

"Derek," Meredith called after him as he slunk into the scrub room to wash his hands. "Derek, it wasn't your fault."

Derek looked up from the running water and into Meredith's eyes. "You mean with the patient? Or with you?"

Meredith hesitated a little, suddenly breathing heavily. "With…with the patient."

Derek raised an eyebrow and continued scrubbing his hands. "Oh, I know that."

"And with me."

He shook off the last of the water droplets from his hands and looked at her again. "Meredith, why are you here?"

"I…I don't know," Meredith finally admitted, her eyes suddenly becoming fascinated with the floor of the scrub room. "I slept with Mark."

She wasn't sure how the words found the outside of her mouth. She wasn't even sure why. But Meredith looked up at Derek to see his reaction. For some odd reason, his facial expression hadn't changed.

"Who hasn't?" Was all Derek said in response.

"You're, uh, you're not mad?"

Derek laughed a little. "Meredith, why would I be mad? You can sleep with whoever the hell you want to sleep with." He paused for a second and his eyes sealed shut a little, as if he had just found the last piece in a jigsaw puzzle. "Did you want me to be mad? Is that why you did it?"

"Derek…"

He looked up at the ceiling and nodded. "Wow. You really are somethin' else."

"Derek, wait."

Derek turned to leave, but spun around and faced Meredith with anger flaring in his eyes. "I did." He said and placed his hands on his hips. "I did, Meredith. I did wait. I waited until you figured out your problems with your mom, and your dad, and your other mom, and your attachment issues. And your problems with me. But you know what, Meredith? I got sick of waiting. I was sick of waiting for you to be ready for me, all of me. So I found somebody else. And now that I'm finally happy – now that I'm finally with someone who's actually willing to commit to me – you want me back. You're somethin' else, Meredith."

Meredith stared at the door as Derek shut it behind him. She waited for him to come back. To tell her he was sorry and he loved her. For him to come back and wrap his arms around her so she could cry. And he would tell her everything would be okay.

It was then that Meredith realized she was also tired of waiting.


	5. Chapter Four

**Okay, so this is kind of a short/boring chapter. Sorry guys. I'll make the next one amazingly amazing, I promise. Or I'll try anyways haha. Enjoy and R&R! And thanks so much for the previous reviews, guys! You rock!!**

**Lauren**

_I cannot go to the ocean. I cannot drive the streets at night. I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. So you're gone and I'm haunted. And I bet you are just fine. Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?_

**C H A P T E R F O U R**

Meredith was growing accustomed to waking up with a hangover. By then, she pretty much expected to be holding her head and reaching for the Advil once her head left the pillow. Today was no exception.

She held back a groan when her feet hit the ground, but it wasn't because of the headache. Today was another infamous day of a Derek Shepherd surgery that she would again assist on. It had been a few days since the last one, and they hadn't had words since. Meredith liked it better that way. It was easier.

By the time the surgery was over, Derek had managed to mutter fewer words to Meredith than he had in the previous one. Luckily for both of them, they had a few interns helping out this time.

Meredith had spotted Derek walking into the supply closet and she followed him in, closing the door behind her and leaning up against it.

"Meredith, what are you doing in here?" Derek asked her, speaking more words than he had all day. He bent over to pick up a box of gloves from the bottom shelf and Meredith tried not to stare at his bottom half as he did so.

"I didn't do it because of you," Meredith blurted out, unsure of where the words even came from.

"Meredith," Derek said but she interrupted him.

She held a hand up to him, shushing him from speaking. "Don't talk. Just listen: I didn't sleep with Mark because of you. I did it because I was lonely. And I was drunk. And he was there. And I just wanted you to know because I want this to be over. I can't do this anymore. Us fighting. It's too hard for me. So I just wanted you to know."

"I'm lonely too," Derek admitted, looking fiercely into Meredith's eyes, but Meredith looked away and rocked back and forth on her heels. "Every day I'm without you, I'm lonely. But it gets better. Or it will anyways. It has to."

"Derek," Meredith whispered, falling victim to Derek's soft face all over again.

"Meredith," he whispered back gently, making her heart melt with every step towards her he took. Before Meredith could even think about what she was doing, she rushed over to him and threw her arms around him. Her lips harshly met him, breathing in his scent. The scent that she had been so familiar with for over a year now.

He kissed her back, softly at first and then more intensely. His hands found her back and they traced lines up and down it. Meredith ran her hands through his thick brown hair, pulling him closer and closer with every kiss she gave him.

And without any notice whatsoever, Derek drew back quickly and looked at her.

"I can't do this."

Meredith was left alone in the supply closet, both speechless and breathless. She softly brought her fingers up to her lips, realizing that she could still taste Derek on her. She wondered how long it would be until that would go away.

"I can't believe you told Shepherd about us," Mark said to Meredith with a laugh later that night at the Emerald City Bar. "What'd you think he was gonna do: beat me up, fight for your love, say that no one could have you but him?"

Mark laughed again.

Meredith, however, wasn't amused by all of this. "I didn't sleep with you to piss Derek off." She told him in a testy voice.

Mark nodded, taking another sip of his beer. "You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart." He wrapped his arm around her, but Meredith shrugged it off.

"Gross," she murmured and tipped her head back, letting the shot of tequila slide nicely down her throat.

"What?" Mark asked, leaning closer towards here. "I've seen you naked. I can't put my arm around you? Oh, that's right. You belong to Shepherd."

Meredith glared at him. "I do not belong…" She sighed tiredly. "You know what? It's not worth it. I shouldn't even bother wasted my breath on you."

"I'm surprised you can _catch_ your breath after a night like last night," Mark said coolly.

She chose not to respond as she stared off into space. The two were silent for a minute or so. Meredith's mind wandered to earlier that day. The kiss. She couldn't quite wrap her head around what had happened. First she was telling Derek that she wanted nothing to do with him and all of a sudden they were kissing. Full on kissing too.

"You better not be dreaming about McDreamy," a voice behind her said, causing Meredith to jump a little. She turned around to see Cristina standing before her with her hands on her hips. Cristina looked at Mark with an annoyed expression on her face. "Move. This is my seat."

"How bout we share, sweet pea?" Mark said to her smoothly as he patted his lap and Cristina stepped closer.

"Don't make me hit you," she warned him and Meredith stood up.

"Take my seat," she offered in a tired voice. "I'm about done here."

Mark looked at Cristina. "Don't mind her. She's still tired after the hott hott sex we had last night."

Meredith's eyes went wide and she looked as if she were about to backhand him.

Mark continued. "What? You didn't tell her? Oh right. You're just telling Shepherd because you want to make him jealous."

"Oh, she told me," Cristina jumped in. "She told me that you're all talk and really just lame in the sack. She's spreading word around the hospital, not just to Shepherd. Now if you want her to stop, stop hitting on us and get the hell out of my seat!"

By that point, Cristina was nearly yelling. Mark reluctantly stood up and rolled his eyes at the drama that female doctors brought to the table and his life in general.

"Leaving," Mark told them and looked at Meredith. "Call me tonight if you want some lovin."

"Charming," Meredith muttered under her breath as she watched Mark Sloan walk away and out of Joe's bar. Meredith turned to Cristina. "What's up your ass tonight?"

Cristina sighed exhaustedly and took her usual seat at the bar that Mark had oh so conveniently left warm for her. "Long day. Our patient died after a sixteen hour surgery. I need a drink."

"Comin' right up," Joe said from behind the bar and began pouring her a shot of tequila.

"The life of a surgeon," Meredith said, agreeing with a sigh.

She collided her shot glass with Cristina and the two girls tipped their glasses into their mouths. They both slammed their shot glasses down on the bar and longingly looked at Joe, who only rolled his eyes.

"More?" He asked assumingly.

Cristina and Meredith both nodded eagerly. So Joe began to pour two more shots and Meredith looked around the bar to see if anyone was looking at her, or just for anyone she knew that might overhear what she was about to tell her best friend.

"I kissed Derek." Meredith whispered and Cristina nearly choked on her second shot.

"You what?" Christina asked back, mimicking Meredith's twelve-year-old-girl-gossip voice.

Meredith took her shot, trying to clear her head and think of a reasonable explanation, but there was none. "I kissed Derek." She repeated and Cristina stared at her, urging her to continue. "He went into the supply closet and I followed him. I told him that I was done with him and wanted nothing to do with him."

"And somehow you wound up kissing him," Cristina finished for her and Meredith nodded.

"My life is over," Meredith whined, crashing her head into her arms which rested on the bar.

"Oh, shut up and stop being so overdramatic," Cristina snapped at her. "It was one freaking kiss. Granted, he's with Rose and he's over you. But still. Get over it." Neither one spoke for a minute. "Did he kiss you back?"

Meredith raised her head from the bar and looked back at Cristina. "At first. Then he freaked and ran away."

"Typical," Cristina said and snapped her fingers at Joe, signaling that she needed another shot.

He poured two more, figuring Meredith would want one as well, and the girls eagerly drank them up.

"Meredith."

Meredith turned around at the sound of her name. It was McDreamy. She casually looked around to see if he was with Rose, but he wasn't. He was alone.

"Yeah?" She asked him, all of a sudden beginning to feel the effects of the tequila kicking in.

Derek shot a quick glance at Cristina and looked back at Meredith. "Uh, can I talk to you real quick? Alone?"

Meredith stood up. "Sure. Let's go outside."

So Derek led her outside and Meredith gave Cristina one last longing look, wondering what Derek could possible want with her. Would he kiss her again? Would he tell her he broke up with Rose to be with her?

"So what's up?" Meredith asked, trying to seem casual as the two surgeons reached the outside of Joe's bar.

"I wanted to talk to you about what happened today in the supply closet," Derek told her.

Meredith noticed he was avoiding eye contact with her. "The kiss." She said to him, being blunt with him and not beating around the bush. "What about it?"

"It can't happen again," Derek blurted out and Meredith stepped back a little, feeling very taken aback. "Look. I know we have a history. And I know it's us. And I know you still have feelings for me. But it can't happen again. I'm with Rose."

"So you keep saying," Meredith burst out, even surprising herself a little. "But it took two of us for that kiss to happen, Derek. Two sets of lips. And I didn't see you resisting when I kissed you."

"I did pull away," Derek reminded her and lowered his voice a little. "I think that was around the time I said 'I can't do this.' Meredith, we can't…we shouldn't…"

But Meredith cut him off. "Fine. We're done. For good this time."

"Fine. It's about time."


	6. Chapter Five

_I still imagine your touch. It's beautiful missing something that much. But sometimes love needs a fighting chance, so I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance._

**C H A P T E R F I V E**

"Well you're turning into a regular little alcoholic, aren't ya?"

The words spoken by Mark Sloan shouldn't have bothered her as much as they did, but Meredith wasn't in the mood to be put in her place. Not tonight. Not now.

"I thought you left."

"I got bored. Playing with yourself isn't as much fun without a playmate." Mark took an empty seat next to Meredith that usually belonged to Cristina, but she had vacated the premises over an hour ago. "A little late for you, huh?"

"I don't work tomorrow," Meredith mumbled to him. She lied to herself and pretended that Mark really cared about what she did with her life. "And I don't see how it's any of your business anyways. Are you just here to give me a hard time?"

Mark scooted closer to her and leaned his elbow against the bar. "No." His voice dipped down lower and his tone turned more serious. "I came to see if you were okay. I talked to Derek."

Meredith twisted her head to face Mark. She could feel her face following her actions as she moved. Boy was she ever drunk.

"You came to see if I was all right?" Meredith asked, her face softening a little. This wasn't the Mark Sloan she knew. "What'd Derek say?" She closed her eyes softly, realizing she was beginning to slur her words.

Mark shrugged casually. "He just told me about what happened. The kiss, the fight, whatever."

"What'd he say about me?"

He sighed, leaning even closer to Meredith. She looked up at him, wondering if he would make a move on her. But his lips remained where they were as Mark began to talk again. "He said you looked hurt. He didn't think you were okay. And he didn't want to talk to you about it himself because he didn't want to upset you more." Mark paused. "He's still in love with you, Meredith."

Meredith could feel tears burning into her eyes and quickly looked away. She was too drunk to deal with this. This wasn't happening.

"Hey," Mark said softly, awakening Meredith from her thoughts. Meredith looked up at him, no longer caring if he saw her cry. "Let's get you home. No tricks, I promise."

She nodded slowly, not really comprehending what was going on, but before she knew it, Mark was slipping his arm around her and leading her out of the bar.

The next morning, Meredith awoke in a mess of tangled bed sheets. She didn't even remember getting home the night before. Did she go home with…Mark?

Meredith looked around for any sign of missing clothes. Nothing.

"Morning, sunshine."

A groan escaped Meredith's mouth as she realized that any noise hurt her head. She looked up and saw Alex standing in her doorway. "Late night last night?"

Meredith groaned again. "Where's Mark?" She finally asked.

A puzzled expression crossed Alex's face. "Sloan? He's here?"

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know. He could be. I remember him being there last night. At the bar. I think."

Alex shrugged. "Well he's not here. Anyways, I just wanted to see if you wanted some lunch."

Lunch? Meredith shot a glance at her clock by her bed and realized that it was after noon by then. She wondered how much longer she could live her life drinking and sleeping until noon. It had to get better sometime right? Derek said so himself. Right after he told her that every day he was lonely with out her. Right before Mark told her that Derek was still in love with her. And all of this in the middle of him dating Rose.

"Okay then…I'll just make something for myself…" Alex said once he realized that Meredith was staring off into space yet again.

"Huh? What? Sorry, I'm here. I'll be down in a minute."

Meredith finally dragged herself out of bed and set her feet on the floor. Oh, her head hurt so badly. She threw her robe on, not even bothering to find real clothes. Her sweatpants and grey Dartmouth t-shirt worked just fine. How she got into those clothes in the first place, Meredith had no idea. Last she knew, she was wearing jeans and a different t-shirt at the bar.

She slowly made her way downstairs to find Izzie and Alex sitting at the kitchen table eating quietly. Alex was hovered over the newspaper while Izzie picked at her nails. Meredith looked in the fridge for anything edible. She grabbed at a cold piece of pizza and stuck the tip in her mouth, taking a bite.

"Does no one work today?" Meredith asked curiously with the pizza still lingering in her mouth. She decided to swallow it before talking again. "It's like one in the afternoon."

"We got sent home," Izzie informed her with a shrug. "Overstaffed, I guess. The hospital's like empty. I guess everyone's being careful around this time of year. Bummer."

"Weird," Meredith replied and sat down between her two co-workers and roommates. The table went silent as everyone ate their lunch in peace.

After lunch, Izzie wandered off to run some errands and Alex disappeared to God knew where. Not that Meredith really cared where either of them was. The only thing she cared about was that they were out of the house.

Thanking the Lord that she indeed hadn't gone home with Mark Sloan before, she made her way into the living room and slumped on the couch, trying to remember what did happen. She remembered talking to Sloan for a while at the bar. About Derek, probably. She remembered him telling her that Derek was still in love with her. Said Mark, anyways. Who knew if that was even the truth? He was probably just messing with her anyways.

After that conversation, she didn't remember much. For all she knew, she could have come home with Sloan and he just left before anyone saw him. Or they could have done it in the car or his place. But Meredith was beyond caring since it didn't matter anyways. Mark Sloan was the least of her worries.

She knew what she had to do and it didn't involve Mark Sloan, or even really Derek for that matter. She didn't have to be at work for twenty hours. She debated telling someone she was leaving, maybe Cristina, but she knew she would only be talked out of it if she did. So, Meredith grabbed her car keys and headed out the front door to the airport. She was going to see Derek's ex-wife. She was going to California.


	7. Chapter Six

_**A/N It's a bit of a fluff chapter, but I just had to add Addison in there somewhere. She's my fav. =]**_

_Don't you know I've tried and I've tried to get you out my mind but it don't get no better as each day goes by and I'm lost and confused. I've got nothin' to lose. Hope to hear from you soon. P.S. I'm still not over you._

**C H A P T E R S I X**

"So, let me get this straight," Addison said to Meredith, her hands on her hips and her eyebrows cocked. "You and Derek broke up. He's dating some nurse. You want him back. And you flew all the way down here to ask _my_ advice? What's wrong with this picture here?"

Meredith normally would have laughed at Addison's joking tone, but she was worn out after her flight and in no mood to be laughed at. "Look," Meredith said honestly. "I know I'm not your favorite person. I'm probably one of your least favorite, actually."

"Meredith," Addison said in the same honest manner and the two sat down in the lobby of the Oceanside Wellness Group. "I don't have a problem with you. I had a problem with you a year and a half ago when you slept with my husband all the while knowing we were married. But that only proves how much you guys are meant to be together."

It was Meredith's turn to raise her eyebrows. "So, you think we belong together?"

Addison laughed. "Well, doesn't everyone? You're Meredith and Derek."

Meredith tried hard not to gloat at the sound of those names together, and the fact that Derek's ex-wife thought they were meant to be. It was a sign, right? "So, what do I do?"

"Have you tried just telling him?" Addison asked.

"I told him I was over him," Meredith admitted sheepishly and the two women laughed. "I was tired of fighting the feeling I got every time I saw him with his new…whatever she is."

"I know the feeling," Addison mumbled but smiled after she said it to let Meredith know there were no longer any hard feelings between the two. "Listen, Derek is the kind of guy who doesn't like to play games. He's honest and he appreciates honesty. Don't tell him you're over him if you're not. That's a game."

"So you don't think this nurse is a game?"

"Oh, I don't know," Addison said honestly. "It could just be a rebound thing. Didn't you say you broke up with him?"

Meredith groaned. "Yeah," she said. "But I don't think that's it. I think it's more than that. Wouldn't he have broken up with her by now?"

"Would he?"

"He kissed me."

Addison's eyes widened and she leaned closer to Meredith. "No kidding?"

"And he's still with her," Meredith sighed dramatically.

"Just talk to him," Addison suggested. "And be honest. No games."

Meredith stood up. "Well, thanks for everything. Especially…you know…considering the circumstances and everything."

"No problem," Addison said with a laugh and stood up, too. "So, you flew all the way down here for a ten minute conversation and you're leaving?"

"It wasn't just the conversation," Meredith told Addison. "I just needed the escape."

"Well, good luck," Addison said sincerely and shook Meredith's hand awkwardly.

"Thanks," Meredith said with a small laugh. "For everything."

And with that, Addison watched the woman that used to be the hatred in her life, but now she was just there. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Dr. Naomi Bennett standing behind her.

"Wasn't that…" Naomi asked curiously.

"Yup."

"And she came here to talk to you about…"

"Yup."

"Hm. How 'bout that. Things sure have changed"

Back in Seattle, Meredith walked into Seattle Grace determined to tell Derek Shepherd exactly how she felt, just like his ex-wife told him to do. It sounded weird, maybe, but it made sense so Meredith decided to give it a go. After all, how much worse could it get? Derek was already with somebody else and barely speaking to Meredith as it was.

"I thought you would have called after you left the bar."

Meredith heard a voice behind her and whirled around to find Mark standing before her. "Oh, it's you."

"Of course. Who did you expect it to be?" Mark asked slyly and grinned his famous Mark Sloan grin. "You left the bar in such a hurry. I was kind of bummed I never heard from you."

So, Meredith hadn't gone home with Mark. That was good news to her.

"I had some things to figure out," Meredith told Mark. "I went to California today, actually. I saw Addison."

Mark's face was expressionless and Meredith couldn't read it. She was surprised Mark hadn't made some 'ex-girlfriend visiting the ex-wife' joke. "Addison," Mark said, his tone changing. "How's the red head?"

"She's fine."

"Still beautiful?"

A clever grin appeared on Meredith's face as she took a step towards Mark. "You're still in love with her, aren't you?"

Mark sighed. "She's the Derek to my Meredith."

Meredith giggled at the thought. "Speaking of, do you know where Derek is?"

"Not here, I know that much," Mark told her and Meredith frowned. "He called about an hour ago, asking if I wanted to go to Joe's. But I'm stuck here working."

"You think he's at Joe's with Rose?"

"Probably not, if he called to see if I wanted to meet him there," Mark deducted.

"Damn."

Mark's pager began beeping and he grabbed it to take a look. "Sorry, I gotta take this. Good luck with Shepherd."

"Good luck with Addison," Meredith teased and Mark scowled at her as he ran the opposite direction.

Derek wasn't at the hospital. He wasn't at the bar, either. The only other place Meredith could think him to be was at his trailer in the woods. And Meredith decided that that was exactly where she was headed.


	8. Chapter Seven

_**A/N So this is it, the final chapter. I wrote this forever ago but thought I'd put it up just because I wanted to put the final product on .**_

_My love, there's only you in my life, the only thing that's right. My first love, you're every breath that I take, you're every step I make. And I, I want to share all my love with you. No one else will do. And your eyes, they tell me how much you care. Oh yes, you will always be my endless love._

_C H A P T E R S E V E N_

The drive to Derek's trailer was possibly the longest drive that Meredith had ever made, and the funny thing was, it was a fairly short drive. Meredith's hands shook as they clasped the steering wheel. This was the moment she was waiting for. This was the final chapter. If he rejected her now, she knew she had to move on this time for good. This was it.

Meredith pulled into the so-called driveway that led to the grass in front of Derek's trailer. Derek was no where in sight, so Meredith parked her car and walked through the grass up to the trailer door. After taking a deep breath, she knocked softly on the door and took a step back. She heard footsteps and some rustling around inside the trailer and hoped to God that Derek was alone.

She never even thought of that. What if Derek was hooking up with McNurse and she just caught them in between "sessions"? Meredith's stomach dropped and she thought about running but it was too late; Derek answered the door.

He was fully closed and his hair was neat and tidy. Meredith took that as a good sign. "Meredith?" Derek asked, confused. "What are you doing here?"

Suddenly, Meredith forgot why she was there. She looked into his eyes and they melted her heart. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and give him the most amazing kiss of his life. Oh, that's right. She was there to get him back. She remembered now.

"I need to talk to you," she stated, making sure her voice was solid. "Are you alone?"

"Yeah?" Derek asked, as if he was confused why anyone else would be in his trailer. "What do you want?"

His voice was not agitated anymore. He no longer looked like he was annoyed talking to Meredith. He just looked like the same old Derek Shepherd that she fell in love with not so long ago. She decided to just go for it.

"I lied," she confessed, taking a small step towards him. "About everything. I lied about sleeping with Mark. I did do it to make you jealous. I lied about being okay with you and Rose. I'm not okay with it. I'm so not okay with you dating someone else, Derek. And I lied about being over you. I'm not. I'm still completely in love with you and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'll always be in love with you, Derek Shepherd."

Derek was silent and Meredith exhaled after her long speech. She wasn't sure if his silence was a good thing, like he was considering taking her back, or a bad thing, like he was considering filing for a restraining order.

"Meredith," Derek said uneasily and just at the sound of her name, Meredith's heart sank. She knew this wasn't going to be a good thing. "I don't know what to say. You can't keep changing your mind every ten seconds. You say you're over me and then you sleep with my best friend. Then you kiss me. Then you say it's over for good. And now you're saying you're in love with me. How am I supposed to make a decision about us if you can't?"

Meredith paused. True, to Derek she did come off as wishy-washy. But for Meredith, her heart always said the same thing: she was in love with Derek Shepherd. Whatever she said and did to neglect those feelings weren't important. The important thing was that those feelings were consistently there.

"I've always loved you," Meredith choked out, realizing she was near tears. She took a second to recollect herself. She was already the girl standing at the guy's front door declaring her love for him. She wasn't about to be the crying girl, too. "I've _always_ loved you. I told you I was over you because I thought I could move on, but I couldn't. And Mark was just an idiotic thing to try to get over you, too. But see, Derek? It didn't work. I wasn't trying to play games. I was just trying not to feel like crap about you anymore, but I realized the only thing that's gonna make me feel better is you."

Okay, so Meredith laid on the mushy stuff a little more than she had planned, but it was truly how she felt and she was sticking with it.

"This would be a lot easier if you decided in the first place, you know," Derek told her.

"It's life," Meredith said. "It's not supposed to be easy."

"And you won't change your mind again?" Derek asked, stepping closer to Meredith.

"I never changed it," Meredith told him. "I just got scared. And I can't promise that I'll never get scared again, but I can promise, if you take me back, I'll never leave you again."

"Well, that sounds good enough to me," Derek said, getting so close to Meredith that she could feel his breath on her cheek.

Meredith, feeling pretty confident that Derek was hers again, took his hand into hers and looked up from him from the bottom step of his trailer. "Can I kiss you now?"

And giving the only acceptable answer she could possibly dream of, Derek pulled Meredith up against him, put his hand behind her head and grabbed a handful of hair, and kissed her.

And they lived happily ever after.

_**A/N So that's it…the whole story! I wrote it in pieces, so it may not flow great, but it's my first Grey's fanfic ever and the first fanfic that I've ever finished! Pretty impressive if ya ask me! ;) Hope everyone enjoyed.**_


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